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As a woman in my late thirties, I’ve always believed that politeness is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Although I have a satisfying life, I’ve faced very little self-assurance. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and doubting myself has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Many times, it happens so quickly that I’m unconscious of it. It originates in anxiety and has affected both my personal and professional life. It irritates my family and friends and workmates, and then I get frustrated when they point it out—which only increases my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Asking Questions

This excessive apologizing is especially concerning when it comes to public speaking or making inquiries in front of people. I try to write everything down to stay on track and avoid nervous rambling, but even that fails most of the time. As an starting scholar in government studies, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through gradual exposure, such as leading sessions and compelling myself to ask questions at open forums, despite experiencing setbacks from established male academics. I’ve also tried waiting before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I revert to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I doubt I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still appreciate life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to stop the overuse of apologies. I’ve learned that therapy might benefit me, but I ask how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too infrequent or too much, and you place a burden on others.

Exploring the Causes

A therapist might explore where this urge comes from. Questions like, “How young were you when this developed?” or “Was it your own idea or learned from someone close to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once served us well become harmful in adulthood.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as self-sabotage. You know it irritates those around you, yet you continue it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what therapy could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than acting. Much of helpful sessions is about understanding yourself, not just addressing problems. A skilled therapist will supportively question you, offering a comfortable setting to examine and accept who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a connection-based method with a person-centered counselor might be more helpful. This can help you return to yourself and examine how you treat, disregard, and criticize yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your confidence can develop from there.

Practical Steps

Changing long-standing behaviors is hard, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by considering on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an try to avoid discomfort or being seen, by recognizing perceived mistakes before others do. This can create a cycle of frustration and worry.

Even processing later can be helpful. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel understood without you taking accountability.

This approach will take time, but recognizing there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward growth.